People welcome new experiences and new people. They look forward to any opportunity to socialize. They're often the first to introduce them and they jump into a conversation easily. Josh is like this. For him, being friendly and outgoing is natural, energizing, and fun. It doesn't take much effort at all.
Other people are more like Josh's friend Megan. Ever since elementary school, Megan has thought of herself as quiet and shy. She prefers to warm up slowly to new people or situations.
Some people may mistakenly think that Megan is standoffish or unfriendly. But it just takes time to get to know her. Megan's classmates know she is a caring friend, a great listener, and an amazing wit. Her closest friends know even more about her — including the fact that she's a talented pianist who writes her own music.
What Is Shyness?
Shyness is an emotion that affects how a person feels and behaves around others. Shyness can mean feeling uncomfortable, self-conscious, nervous, bashful, timid, or insecure. People who feel shy sometimes notice physical sensations like blushing or feeling speechless, shaky, or breathless.
Shyness is the opposite of being at ease with yourself around others. When people feel shy, they might hesitate to say or do something because they're feeling unsure of themselves and they're not ready to be noticed.
Regardless of whether you are introverted or extraverted, we can all relate to that feeling of shyness at some point in our lives. Socially, we tend to have the misconception that only introverts experience shyness, but that is not true. Shyness has more to do with being uncomfortable with one’s self, especially around other people.
The Three Components of Shyness
Excessive Self-Consciousness – you are overly aware of yourself, particularly in social situations.
Excessive Negative Self-Evaluation – you tend to see yourself negatively.
Excessive Negative Self-Preoccupation – you tend to pay too much attention to all the things you are doing wrong when you are around other people.
Can you relate? When you are experiencing shyness, can you fit your state of mind into one or more of the above categories? We sure can.
Why Do We Experience Shyness?
We all experience shyness differently and on varying degrees. However, root cause can be boiled down to one of the following reasons:
1. Weak Self Image
This is especially true to our experiences in high school. We would believe in the fallacy that our unique qualities were not interesting, cool or worthy of anyone’s admiration. We would try to fit in with everyone else, resulting in us not feeling like ourselves.
2. Pre-occupation with Self
When we’re around other people, we become extremely sensitive to what we’re doing, as if we’ve been put on center stage. This creates anxiety and makes us question our every move. Our focus centers around ourselves and particularly on “what I was doing wrong”. This can cause a downward spiral.
3. Labeling
When we label ourselves as a shy person, we psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. We may say to ourselves, “I am a shy person, than it must be true that I am shy. This is how I am, and this is the way things are.” When we label something, that thing has the perception of being fixed and therefore we must live up to the expectations of the labeling.
How to Overcome Shyness
The following are tips that have helped us overcome this uncomfortable feeling.
1. Understand Your Shyness
Seek to understand your unique brand of shyness and how that apparent in your life. Understand what situation triggers this feeling? And what are you concerned with at that point?
2. Turning Self Consciousness into Self Awareness
Recognize that the world is not looking at you. Besides, most people are too busy looking at themselves. Instead of watching yourself as if you are other people, bring your awareness inwards. Self awareness is the first step towards any change or life improvement.
3. Find Your Strengths
We all have unique qualities and different ways of expressing ourselves. It’s important to know and fully accept the things we do well, even if they differ from the norm. If everyone was the same, the world would be a pretty boring place.
Find something you are good at and focus on doing it. An identifiable strength will boost your natural self esteem and your ego, helping you better identify with yourself. It is a short term fix, but will give you the confidence you need to break your self-imposed barrier of fear.
See how your unique strength gives you an advantage. For example, Amanda is a naturally quiet person who prefers to spend time alone. She learned that she listens better than others and notices things that others miss in conversations. She also discovered that her alone time has given her a better understanding of herself.
4. Learn to Like Yourself
Practice appreciating yourself and liking the unique expression that is you. Write a love letter to yourself, do things you enjoy, give gratitude for your body and its effortless functions, spend quality time getting to know yourself, go on a self-date.
5. Focus on Other People
Rather than focusing on your awkwardness in social situations, focus on other people and what they have to say. Become interested in learning about others, and probe them to talk about themselves. You can try pondering the question while interacting: What is it about this person that I like?
7. Releasing Anxiety through Breath
Anxiety and fear can feel overwhelming if you are practicing to become more assertive in order to overcome this fear.One simple technique to calm this anxiety into manageable bites is taking deep breaths with your eyes closed, while concentrating on just your breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly while clearing out all thoughts.
10. Affirmation
Words can carry incredible energy. What we repeatedly tell ourselves, gets heard by our unconscious mind, and it acts accordingly. If we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are incapable, and too shy to do anything, we will become increasingly aware of evidence to back up this ‘fact’, and our actions will always match what we tell ourselves. Similarly, if we repeatedly tell ourselves that we are capable, confident, and wonderful human beings, our unconscious mind will likely surface the awareness that gives evidence to this new ‘fact’. While, we can’t lie to ourselves, positive visualization and affirmation are helpful in placing us along the road of positive thought patterns.
11. Do Not Leave an Uncomfortable Situation
When we leave shy situations, what we are really doing is reinforcing our shyness. Instead, face the situation square in the face. Turn the fearful situation into a place of personal growth. Become the observer and dig into yourself, answer the questions: why do I feel this way? What caused me to feel this way? Can there be an alternative explanation to what is happening?
12. Stop Labeling Yourself
Stop labeling yourself as a shy person. You are you, you are unique, and you are beautiful. Can’t we just leave it at that?
13. Practice Social Skills
Like any other skill, social skills can be cultivated through practice and experience. The more you put yourself out there, the easier it becomes next time. If you have a hard time knowing what to say, you can practice what to say ahead of time.
14. Practice Being in Uncomfortable Situations
Sometimes, it is not the social skills we lack, but rather the lack of self confidence that we may succeed, and a heightened fear that we will fail. Placing yourself in these uncomfortable situations will help to desensitize your fear towards the situation. The more you force yourself to face it, and to experience it completely, you will realize that it is not that bad after all. It may be hard for your ego to accept at first, but quickly you will find that you can just laugh and enjoy it.
15. Seek and Record Your Successes
As you overcome this condition we’ve been labeling as shyness, you will have many wins and realizations about yourself. You will gain insights into the truth behind social scenarios. You will start to view yourself differently and come to recognize that you can become comfortable and confident. When these wins and realizations happen, make sure to keep a notebook and write them down. Keeping a journal of your successes will not only boost self confidence, but also shift your focus towards something that can benefit you.
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